3.7.14

Learning My Fear-Nots


This post isn't at all as sensitive to me as it would have been if I had wrote something similar a few years ago. In fact, I'd probably be writing something completely different but please understand that it still is personal and the reason I felt like sharing is because of how proud I am that I have transitioned into the person I am today. I, like most girls have had many things to be insecure about as we grew up; whether it be the physical or spiritual being of ourselves. It was no help that most girls I was surrounded by were quite similar to myself and we grew up influencing each other by comparing ourselves. Thankfully, we've mostly outgrown that 'stuff' but I'm sure we can still occasionally be caught wishing for things we see others have that we don't. I remember a time when I had a few things I thought I should be self-conscious about and I was so insecure that I would always make up excuses for the certain things that I chose to wear. I had things I thought I needed to hide and that there were things I should improve on. Although I didn't experience such excessive emotional battles, I now look back and realise how much time I spent worrying about this 'stuff'. Most of the things that I thought about myself was purely because of puberty and high-school phases and they are just the most silliest things that I could think of. I'm pretty sure I went from worrying about what scars I had that I could hide, to what perfume boys might like. Sure, the early years of high-school I spent worrying about boys but transitioning from VCE to who I'd be once I graduated; I wasted a few sulks on what I thought was not quite right with me physically and emotionally. And for years that's all I would ever think about. Standards was something that always stood out in the front of my mind. 

I think up until last year perhaps, all I ever wanted to be was to meet someones standards. It never mattered to me by whom, but I had to try or else I'd have those days where I wouldn't feel myself. I mean, I was never obsessed with the idea of being perfect but I was more fixated about the things that I thought were flaws. I never shared this feeling with anyone because I knew that it wasn't good for me. So I'm not too sure what has really developed since then. Perhaps I just stayed home too much and became to lazy to care about what I used to; or maybe it's because the people I surrounded myself with have also changed; or it could be because I have met the most amazing person that never falls short a day without telling me I'm beautiful; or hearing from pastors speak about beauty over the years; or I just grew up and it happens to us eventually. I don't know what has changed, but I'm not so insecure. From time to time I might still point things out (like that fact that I don't stop sneezing or being itchy), but for the most part, I'm no longer caught dwelling in thoughts of my flaws. I try to do well in just looking after myself and appreciated that there are some things that I possess which other people wished they could have too. I could list the many things I was self-conscious about but it'd be a long list plus, it's unnecessary. 

I just know that this positive transition has made me be the better me that I could and should have been many years ago. I thank God every day for all the things He has made a part of me which work for all their purposes. I love my chicken pock dots and my flat-buttoned nose. I love taking a picture without fear of looking ridiculous for all those who see my social media. I love not worrying about the perception of others and I just love the fact that the person I am is no longer concerned about such nonsensical dilemmas.

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